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Morning Thoughts

Has anyone noticed that some people’s version of you need to heal is coded as

– “I want you to be different bc I am uncomfortable, so you apparently need to heal.”
– “I cannot actually identify that there are quite a few emotions.”
-“I can’t process that other’s emotions are not my own, and their expression has nothing to do with me.”

After my weekly looks in out my groups and spaces would like to doubt after.

-In many but not all cases, we associate emotional control with colonized or unhealthy ways of coping. Erasing an ancestral part if you for others is not ok.

-Shutting down or muting your emotions come from similar roots as a lot of emotional dysregulation issues associated with toxic masculinity. Using improper to YOU methods of processing and experiencing emotions causes you and, subsequently, those around you harm.

-In the US, we have an assimilative social structure. However, being comfortable with others’ behavior doesn’t mean controlling them. It means creating boundaries and agreements.

-Isolating people does not heal them. Boundaries help people. We know through the examples of studies of human behavior and social systems that we learn through interaction. We know that collectively we have an emotional dysregulation problem because we have so many stimuli and have boundary issues.

Healing happens differently for people, which is why it is individual and your responsibility. It is not individual because we do it alone without community. But recovery can quickly turn into the subsequent trauma if you are doing things not in tune with what needs to be healed and yourself but instead based on what others have expressed they feel you need to heal from.

When you tell people to heal, is it because you are bothered by their behavior?

Are you advising them based on what makes you comfortable, and then when they don’t do what you said, they are not doing work?

Are you being accurate? Accuracy is about understanding perspectives and listening to learn what the problem is. If you aren’t listening, you may not be accurate.

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Don’t focus on Resolutions.

A brief note:
In honor of the new year, here is the first official repost from Design and Scheme. 

Design and Scheme and a resource has existed since 2012. It was a labor of love and a community care project of a baby researcher and student of I/O psychology. In 2014, the Design and Scheme blog, websites, and social appeared to formalize and create an area in which people could more readily access information. The purpose of this site is to create a space to discuss the topics of event planning, organizing, and healthy living. This has always been done in an interdisciplinary and intersectional way, hence why I finally decided to join these. 

The primary offerings of this website are personal organizing services and productivity consulting that helps individuals learn compassionate self-care and accountability methods. Socially and politically speaking these terms mean different things. They are viewed as not accessible to all, but that is why I started this. Solutions and managing life's hardships should be a topic addressed for all. I have always spoken to the social expectation that unfairly targets those with disabilities and in poverty in various forums. Bringing these discussions to Revolution Kitty will help emphasize that because in this space we are not watering things down. 

If you have followed Design and Scheme you will notice that some articles did not make the transfer. I am archiving and portfolio-ing those articles. If they have helped you and you would like a copy, email kitty07@gmail.com to request a copy for your personal use. Yes, some offerings from Design and Scheme will still be available. Look for details about that in the coming year.

Don’t focus on Resolutions.

Some of you may remember from the #Vivesmart 2015 post that I’m not about New Year’s Resolutions. I’m about setting goals and making plans.

I just wanted to do a quick revisit on why.

When I make changes to my life, whether personal or professional, it’s to improve my current circumstances. I don’t want to waste my time starting something I will never do because I’m caught up in the excitement and the stereotypical ideas about what we are supposed to do.

I’m not knocking people who set New Year’s resolutions, just noting that they don’t work for me.

When you make a resolution, often you don’t sit down and work out the logistics and plan how you can make it happen. Often, if you fail at it once, you give up and use the excuse that it shouldn’t count against you because it was a resolution. And that’s great, as long as it wasn’t a substantial change.

I choose to use the S.M.A.R.T goals method to start any change that I want to make.

Recap.

Specific- What EXACTLY do you want?

Measurable- How will you know you reached your goal?

Attainable- Can it be achieved in the time you set?

Relevant- Does this goal fit in with your overall vision?

Timely- Setting a time frame to reach checkpoints or complete the goal.

This helps me to be sure that I am thinking about the relevance of the change and if it is essential and doable in my life.

So let you take away be this:

Change what will benefit you. Learn yourself and the areas where you truly need improvement. Love yourself enough to not set yourself up for failure.

xox

A recent interpretation of this post.
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Dating with invisible things

In my dating adventures fairly recently I had a person tell me that they felt that dating me would require them to do a lot of things that they don’t want to do in a relationship because they think those things are excessive and they didn’t feel like manipulated into a relationship they didn’t benefit from like the people who at the time were in or talking about relationshipping with me.

This was also after I decided sex was probably never happening and I told them so. We also never made it to going out bc I don’t meet up with people till I’m comfortable. (This may also be why I haven’t tried to figure out my OKC password bc this was my last login and I was like over OKC at that point).

But you know what? That’s great! It’s good to establish boundaries. Not great to be a dick about it.

The rules for dating me don’t make me an uptight bitch or a spoiled brat.

If you want to be in a relationship with me, you
-will radically love me
-radically support me
-radically honor me
-radically communicate with me.

And that means there are things you’re not going to like. There are things that you will want to do with me that you’ll never get to do because I don’t agree with them. But that’s the whole point of a relationship created between people is to have conversations and figure out what you want out of a relationship. When I negotiate a relationship with people they are given the baseline for what I require to be in a relationship with me. If that doesn’t work for you then we’re not in a relationship.

But honestly, I feel like that’s really regular and if people are not doing that and still getting in relationships with people that are not doing things they want and need, then I’m pretty sure that’s not my personal problem.

I’ve also been told a lot of other things in my adventure in the polyamorous community over the years.

I’ve been called abusive and manipulative because of the high levels of communication I describe as being necessary for my relationships.

I’ve been called spoiled and prissy for having specific needs that one particular partner was heavily negotiated and practically begged to be able to engage because I felt that it wasn’t appropriate to let them engage that way because I felt I was being spoiled and a lot.

Not only do I have strict views of how I will be treated in a relationship; I have strict ways of getting into relationships and strict ways of ensuring equity can be established in relationships.

Again relationshipping with me is not for everyone.

It’s for people who can establish methods of communication and processing and for the hard work of living with a person that has disabilities that impacts their life.

It’s for people who can live with having discussions about every interaction and expectation in a relationship to have clarity.

Because I have shit and I work on that shit.

But having invisible disabilities is hard and building relationships with them is harder.

Involving someone without giving them the facts is not for me. It’s ok if not having the information to make those decisions as I disclose is not for them.

I value the ideas of informed consent and being risk-aware. I don’t believe you can be in a risk-aware relationship with me if you don’t have the facts.

If you are relationshipping with you are part of an accountability circle. You cant do that if you don’t know me. Due to the various definitions of how people date, you can’t date me if you don’t know me.

My relationship approach has been described as clinical. And I don’t understand what’s wrong with that word. As a person who has disabilities my life has a lot of clinical components. I’m not ashamed of that as a person whose disabilities affect their everyday life that I consider that before involving others. It can be detrimental not to. So when it comes to relationships, of course, some of that will have equitable background for it especially when there’s so much to disclose and figure out before agreeing to whatever type of partnership is desired.

Do you want a casual relationship? Undefined? Something full of intent? Do you want to build something that will last the intention of a family? With the intention of working through rather than saying this is no longer viable?

I am not my illnesses and disorders, but they do inform and impact the way I interact with the world.