Posted in Uncategorized

Dating with invisible things

In my dating adventures fairly recently I had a person tell me that they felt that dating me would require them to do a lot of things that they don’t want to do in a relationship because they think those things are excessive and they didn’t feel like manipulated into a relationship they didn’t benefit from like the people who at the time were in or talking about relationshipping with me.

This was also after I decided sex was probably never happening and I told them so. We also never made it to going out bc I don’t meet up with people till I’m comfortable. (This may also be why I haven’t tried to figure out my OKC password bc this was my last login and I was like over OKC at that point).

But you know what? That’s great! It’s good to establish boundaries. Not great to be a dick about it.

The rules for dating me don’t make me an uptight bitch or a spoiled brat.

If you want to be in a relationship with me, you
-will radically love me
-radically support me
-radically honor me
-radically communicate with me.

And that means there are things you’re not going to like. There are things that you will want to do with me that you’ll never get to do because I don’t agree with them. But that’s the whole point of a relationship created between people is to have conversations and figure out what you want out of a relationship. When I negotiate a relationship with people they are given the baseline for what I require to be in a relationship with me. If that doesn’t work for you then we’re not in a relationship.

But honestly, I feel like that’s really regular and if people are not doing that and still getting in relationships with people that are not doing things they want and need, then I’m pretty sure that’s not my personal problem.

I’ve also been told a lot of other things in my adventure in the polyamorous community over the years.

I’ve been called abusive and manipulative because of the high levels of communication I describe as being necessary for my relationships.

I’ve been called spoiled and prissy for having specific needs that one particular partner was heavily negotiated and practically begged to be able to engage because I felt that it wasn’t appropriate to let them engage that way because I felt I was being spoiled and a lot.

Not only do I have strict views of how I will be treated in a relationship; I have strict ways of getting into relationships and strict ways of ensuring equity can be established in relationships.

Again relationshipping with me is not for everyone.

It’s for people who can establish methods of communication and processing and for the hard work of living with a person that has disabilities that impacts their life.

It’s for people who can live with having discussions about every interaction and expectation in a relationship to have clarity.

Because I have shit and I work on that shit.

But having invisible disabilities is hard and building relationships with them is harder.

Involving someone without giving them the facts is not for me. It’s ok if not having the information to make those decisions as I disclose is not for them.

I value the ideas of informed consent and being risk-aware. I don’t believe you can be in a risk-aware relationship with me if you don’t have the facts.

If you are relationshipping with you are part of an accountability circle. You cant do that if you don’t know me. Due to the various definitions of how people date, you can’t date me if you don’t know me.

My relationship approach has been described as clinical. And I don’t understand what’s wrong with that word. As a person who has disabilities my life has a lot of clinical components. I’m not ashamed of that as a person whose disabilities affect their everyday life that I consider that before involving others. It can be detrimental not to. So when it comes to relationships, of course, some of that will have equitable background for it especially when there’s so much to disclose and figure out before agreeing to whatever type of partnership is desired.

Do you want a casual relationship? Undefined? Something full of intent? Do you want to build something that will last the intention of a family? With the intention of working through rather than saying this is no longer viable?

I am not my illnesses and disorders, but they do inform and impact the way I interact with the world.

Posted in Kitty Whispers

A is for Activism

I just want to invite everyone to take a moment, really think about what your definition of activism is. I really mean it. Take a moment. What does activism mean to you?

Activism is disruptive. It’s not supposed to make you comfortable. It makes you think, even in ways you don’t assume, it should make you do so. It’s supposed to make you feel. It supposed to drive change. It does, even when we hate it.

But there are also different ways in which this disruption occurs, which is why many people have a tendency to be upset with movements and find flaws with the fundamentals of them because of the type of activism that is engaged. It doesn’t fit their perspective or their personal preferences of how to disseminate that idea. There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with the way, things are done.

 Let’s take a moment to think about some of the emotional movements that have happened and are still happening. These are not the only ones that have happened; these are ones that I am comfortable with an emotional fallout over discussing these.

The Civil Right Movement
Gaining voters rights/addressing voters’ suppression.
Black Lives Matter

Each of these movements actively engages different types of activism and some that make people uncomfortable. Some of these just honestly hurt people’s feelings as they make them addressed beliefs they have about the world that they live in that they did not want to consider or think about.

Y’all the reality of the situation is that activism sucks. For everyone. It’s emotional. It’s making you address things that are not fun. Everybody wants just to enjoy life and live. The individuals organizing activism and the people who experience it. It’s an abundance of emotional labor. The problem is that without action, there are groups of individuals that can’t enjoy the life that they have and they only have that one. No matter what spiritual belief system you have, we can all agree that there is only a guarantee for what we have now, but that can get sucked away on the whim of political choices by people who are removed from the situation. Activism addresses that our current existence should not be less because of how other people believe we should exist.

So for just a quick down and dirty, let’s review some of the ways that activism exists.

  • It exists in the Arts and things that move us.
  • It exists in acts of defiance and Civil Disobedience that disturb the people around us and point out the inequity and injustice of the system we live in.
  • It exists in community support and cooperatives, community building and radically engaging a world that seeks to separate minorities from their community.
  • It exists in small silent changes in our everyday lives that make people want to change. It exists in our use of new technologies.
  • It exists when you actively engage the system that gives us information, providing new, decolonize, and reformed information.
  • It exists in protest and nonviolent demonstrations. It exists in personal accountability.
  • It exists in radically defining what spirituality means to you and identify what your personal philosophies are.

Many of you will be surprised if you take a moment of introspection to note that you often engage in forms of activism that on a large scale you dislike because it’s so visible and disruptive, but you do it in small ways every day. I invite everyone to sit with yourself. Think about why activism as a whole or activism in part makes you uncomfortable; why when it’s related to different movements, it makes you uncomfortable.

Activism Is disruptive and uncomfortable. That’s an unfortunate fact.

Sometimes it’s explosive. Sometimes it’s a slow burn.

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that POC don’t have an issue with feminism bc many of our cultures have their own version of that from where we historically are from.

POC seem to have an issue with colonization and Western feminist views being used to yet again impose imperialist views on our social constructs.

This is where intersectional feminism came in to attempt to address the erasure of women of color, including the woman who laid the foundation of what became womanism and black feminism.

Look into the POC perspective behind women’s rights over the centuries.  The views are so similar, but there are huge differences especially in Western countries on how the dangerous aspects of patriarchy are addressed.

In Western countries not using a label associated with feminism is often viewed negatively. but I think we forget it’s also a political stance and some people can’t marry that with other aspects of their identities.

Do we ask ourselves why? Do we address that in other places women fight for their rights in very similar ways, but the way we do it for instance in the US is oppressive to them?

Do we address that US culture is a mixture of various perspectives and that’s one of the reasons why feminism is so hard to not add extra context to?

I think this is something we should really mull over during BHM.

If you get angry at women, especially WOC, for not identifying with a word, when a conversation shows y’all have similar views, does that mean you care more about the label or the context?

Posted in Kitty Whispers

Asexuality is not a lack of desire.

When I say desire is not apart of the definition of asexuality I mean, asexual organizations have researched and noted that attraction and desire are not the same. ( You can view so much sexuality education and research to verify this).

We have been taking active steps to acknowledge this especially because it is erasive to a good portion of asexuals.

I know it doesn’t seem big to most allosexuals, but let me remind y’all that most of your sexual orientation is an afterthought because you directly experience attraction for your interest.

Asexuals lack that feature or lack that feature to an extent ( our lovely Grays and demis). We have to construct what this is through a lot of introspection that most of us don’t know to do, which is why the assumption that asexuality equals no interest in sex comes in.

Please adjust this thinking and do some updated reading.

Asexuality is not new, we are doing the work know to give it visibility. It’s been conflated with celibacy, abstinence, and hyposexuality for generations. It’s harmful.

It’s part of why asexuals experience oppressive actions in our relationships and even religious interactions that we face.

Please respect us enough to do this work.