When your choices force you to change.

TW: Suicide and eating disorder mentions.

So this is one of the many reasons why I have tried to be more healthful. When I first got my ID I decided to be an organ donor. As I got older though I realized I probably didn’t have super healthy organs because of my eating disorders.

I was struggling with my eating disorder so I knew I was going to struggle to be restrictive in any capacity. After the first suicide attempt that I had in which people were involved and I got put into the hospital the care team was extremely concerned that for the majority of my life I had never been attached to living. In fact, I live my life with the idea that I was going to go at any point in time. They were concerned that so many people in my life were unaware of that fact. “How did [I] hide that so well from so many people?” “How did no one see how my previous attempts affected my body?”

While I was getting that care they reminded me that it is okay to attach your life to something that is not yourself if it helps you get to a healthier place. So I have been searching for the healthiest thing for me to attach my life to for me and only me. What I’ve discovered is that that thing is service.

I enjoy service activities. I enjoy helping people. And the major thing that I get out of it is that I actually feel attached even if it’s just for a short time. So even though being healthy is hard I always try to make small changes for my health based on what I can do at the time and how my eating disorder is affecting me to try to make my body as healthy as I can so that if I go my organs may be able to help someone.

I damaged many of my organs with my eating disorder but some of that damage was repairable for instance my heart was weakened because of the stress of my eating disorder but my care team reminded me that if I exercise ate healthier much of that damage would be repaired because it hadn’t gotten to the most extreme.

I don’t know I just thought that sharing about how considering others can positively impact your view of self and life.