Posted in Let's Talk About Poly

Valuing commitment does not me tolerating bs…

A person told me they don’t like me as a polyamory advocate because I tell people to leave their partners because I am SoPo, immature, and don’t value commitment.

I find that entire statement to be hilarious because I actually don’t promote this because I personally do not get into relationships unless I have the intention of those relationships to be lifelong relationships.

I do not causally date and I heavily believe in commitments as a solo polyamorous person ( as many SoPos do and want y’all to be clear with us why you think we don’t have commitments). I value my autonomy and negotiate relationships based on this.

I don’t need to negotiate a romantic or queerplatonic relationship with you if I don’t have the intention of doing everything in my power for us to maintain a healthy lasting relationship.

When I go into relationships, I go into it with the intention that we communicate and that we will maintain this lifelong or a long-term relationship as long as maintaining this is not harmful to us.

And when I say maintaining that relationship. I mean that we are evaluating the problems that we are having and why we are having those problems which means maybe we have to go to therapy because we can’t see eye to eye, etc, etc. Ya know.

So why would I ever advocate for people to break up?

I can definitely understand that many ways of relationship-ing do not align with the autonomy and self-advocating that I teach, so that can sound like I want you to break up just because it is hard.

The point is that I advocate that if you’re not able to do the work it may take to recenter your relationship back to health, that it is OK for you to leave.

I advocate that no one is required to stay in a relationship that they do not feel is a good fit for them, period.

I advocate that people should look at their relationships periodically to make sure it’s where they want their relationship to be and that it is healthy, fulfilling, and allowing for their own personal growth and if it’s not to address that. And for some people that means leave. For some, that means loving harder.

To be clear if I see a bunch of red flags and abuse, I’m gonna tell a person that my recommendation would be for them to remove themselves from an unsafe situation.

Removal from an unsafe situation may end the relationship permanently or it may cause individuals to start reevaluating things and seek to become healthier.

My advocacy cannot be to just leave relationships because you find them temporarily unfulfilling because I understand that the nature of humans is that we are not going to be constantly enthralled with the people in our lives at all times.
They will not always be a source of happiness and enjoyment.
Sometimes we are going to “hate” them and dislike them because we may have to make choices that we don’t necessarily want to because we have decided that the person is going to be a part of our lives.

Did you know that it is completely valid and okay to decide that what you negotiate in your relationship at one point no longer works for you?… But it’s not necessarily ok just for you to say well this doesn’t work for me so I’m not gonna act on that anymore without having a conversation with your partner. Sometimes it is sometimes it’s not.

Relationships are about communication, often resource sharing, and partnerships. I recently explained to a tiny child who decided I need to be his big sister, that love is love and relationships are not always simply love. Relationships require interaction. Love is a state of being.

None of that means that you can’t be autonomous and when people start saying that relationships that require them to communicate effectively with their partners ruin their autonomy I also challenge them to consider what they think autonomy, freedom, and control in relationships mean to them.

When you recognize that someone telling you not to do something to them doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong, but simply that they are whole a person with preferences about how they are interacted with, your communication skills and emotional literacy skills are improving.

Just so you know.

Love, light, and butterflies,
Kitty.

Posted in Kitty Whispers

Hi friends,

Not caring about how your actions impact others is an ethical issue.

That does not mean that you do not get to live the life that you want to live. It doesn’t even mean you are a bad person honestly.

That simply means that if you are adamantly putting out that you don’t care how other people are affected as long as you get to do what you want to do, then you’re not being ethical.

If you live your best life while causing harm to others and you don’t care, you have an ethical issue happening.

You can or can not choose to sit with yourself and figure out how to manage that ethical issue. That is up to you.

When people have conversations about ethics, they are having discussions about conscious decision making, understanding your relationships with others, and comprehending how we interact as social beings.

Note:

I’d also like to note that while typing this out, the Grammarly editor tried to change this to a synonymous term of moral.

The problem is that ethics and morals are not simply synonyms just because they deal with the same concept.

This is where a lot of people get mixed with these terms. And what I’m about to give you is a very crude explanation of the differences. I invite you to actually take some time to do a little self-study about the differences so that when people are talking about them, you aren’t trying to apply them in the incorrect way that might actually cause harm to yourself.

While these terms address the same concept, they also address the way in which that concept is interacted with.

Ethics is social and society based. Moral is individual and based on your personal perspectives.

Moral can also be applied to large groups such as religious groups, but those groups are only groups because of the concepts in which they apply. They rely on multiple people’s personal perspectives centering around a similar theology/ideology that isn’t necessarily relevant for all people.

Morals don’t even actually address harm reduction in a social group. That is what ethics do.

Also, address the fact that laws are part of the same conceptual ideology as ethics and morals, and they also do not necessarily address harm reduction. Justice activists and people who work with the law (enforcement and advocates) can give you first-hand experience of how their job is not about harm reduction rather than upholding a decision made into law even if it has negative impacts.

Ethics is the only term in this grouping of similar words that actually addresses the individual and social impact of harm reduction.

Posted in Kitty Whispers

We should not be promoting the message for people to care less about anything. We should be telling each other to love more and care more. We also need to be willing to develop the skills to have boundaries, uphold those boundaries, and be able to communicate those boundaries.
Not caring doesn’t help anyone, much less yourself.

It teaches you to bottle up the negatives until it becomes too much.

We are stunting our interpersonal development.

Taking space is a boundary.
Ignoring a situation long-term is an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Decide how much space you need.

Posted in Kitty Whispers

I hate the term High functioning.

Like every fucking thing that I have is apparently high functioning.

And you know what?

All that means is that I am masking enough to make sure everybody else is comfortable while I’m sitting and wallowing in my misery about how fucked up my brain is and…

… hoping that the next panic attack is my mild enough that my meds work correctly and no one notices I am scared shitless.
… for my next manic episode to be really tiny and short.
… the next PTSD episode that I have does not involve humans who I have contact with.
… that when I have an autistic meltdown everyone doesn’t assume that I was throwing an adult-sized temper tantrum instead of listening to all of the things that I was staying prior to being overwhelmed.
… that my OCD does not run another person out of my life when they realize that like being active in my life involves a lot of ritual and planning because I have shit and everything scares me.

Being high functioning means you don’t see me.

We always see moments of people’s lives in general, but even if you are my person…


you can’t see me.